Take the middle road: Be assertive
Being comfortable with being assertive is absolutely necessary. Too often, still, people have to learn to be assertive – and too often this is a steeper learning curve for women than it is for men.
I’m really not sure why we are still talking about this but talking about this we have been for decades. Evidently, we still haven’t solved this problem, but it is time.
For some reason that I don’t understand, some women seem to think that they have to be likeable, as well as competent, while men only have to be competent. Do you think that anyone ever asks a man to describe whether he is aggressive or assertive? Of course not. Women may not be asked the question directly, but we are judged by others – including women at times, to my complete dismay – by how that question is answered.
Assertiveness is still an issue in our world. There are still some good old boys and good old girls who think that women who are assertive are pushy, and God knows, dear readers three, nobody wants to be seen as pushy. It’s time to get over that, too.
If you think that asserting yourself is difficult, perhaps we need to redefine the terms. Some people see assertiveness as a negative behavior; confusing assertiveness with aggressiveness. Webster’s Dictionary clears this up. Assertive means positive action, affirming confidently, peremptory. Aggressive is defined as making assaults, unjustly attacking. Being assertive is not the opposite of aggression – passiveness is. This is one place that being in the middle is a good thing.
Passive people don’t believe they have the right to be heard and are uncomfortable about expressing themselves. They might not like the response they get but are very willing to back down to avoid conflict. That’s the payoff – avoiding conflict.
Passive people blame others for their unhappiness or gripe about their bosses or their co-workers or their friends. Passive people don’t have to take responsibility for the part they play in their own lives. Instead, life only happens – no one can make things happen. This is not the road to happiness. When we stand up for ourselves, and do it promptly, we acknowledge our own role in making decisions for ourselves.
At the opposite end, aggressive people stand up for themselves but at the expense of others. They use tactics such as loud talking, sarcasm, lying, fist pounding and forcefulness to get their way. They dictate and expect that it will work and everyone will fall into line. They attack.
But in the middle is assertiveness.
Assertiveness is ethical behavior toward ourselves. And when we are assertive, we are comfortable in expressing what we think, feel and want. We express our views and needs without stepping on others and without anger or attack. We aim for solutions that work for all. We try to understand others, acknowledge the values that others bring, actively listen, explain ourselves clearly and invite others to work together.
It is far more effective and satisfying to be assertive. We can find that life isn’t a zero-sum game. There’s enough for everyone – enough help, enough money, enough challenges, enough respect, enough love. Being assertive will get you heard and increase the chances that your needs will be met. You will speak up for good ideas and bring up and solve problems instead of letting them get worse. You will command respect.
Here’s a little quiz: You are at a community meeting. A man stands up and urges the board not to appropriate money for something you favor. He gives inaccurate information to persuade those attending that there is no need. You disagree with his ideas and his data. You:
- Stand up and say, “You are a liar, and you don’t know what you are talking about.” (Aggressive with intent to humiliate.)
- Stay seated. Say nothing to anyone or whisper to the person sitting next to you how stupid the speaker is. (Passive).
- Stand up and say, “I don’t know much about this and I’m no expert, just a mother, but I disagree.” (Non-assertive and self-demeaning.)
- Stand up and say, “I’ve heard what you have to say, and I disagree with you. I would like you to listen to my point of view.” (Assertive, standing up for your opinion and not violating the other person’s right to have an opinion.)
I vote for 4.
Jan Mittelstadt Tippett is a retired newspaper publisher who lives in Owatonna.